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Del.cio.us! Jul
24
Diary of a World of Warcraft Player - It’s Time To Play The Feud
Filed Under Diary Of World Of Warcraft
Well, the Family Feud continues.
In my time as a General of the Alliance’s God-willed forces - going on 2 years now, mind you - I’ve learned that the past never ceases to haunt even the most capable commanders.
Such is the case with General Gunderson, whose leadership lineage hearkens back to the American Revolution. JuliusBloop writer Lionel Herkimer knows a little something about the Gunderson clan.
Before I led raids for the Shattered Sun Offensive - even before a ragtag group of courageous Gnomes liberated The Scholomance from the clutches of The Scourge - and before I became a warrior in the service of Jesus Christ IRL, that legendary Gunderson blood fueled my destiny.
In the discussion of Lionel’s Diaries of a Desk Clerk, we learned a little bit about his surname Herkimer. Herkimer is famous for two things: diamonds [quartz, not Azerothian LOL] and my ancestor, Jaribald Strunk Gunderson.
I’m a lot like Grandpa Jaribald. Under General Nicholas Herkimer, my Grandpa was a surgeon in the Tryon County Militia, and after a few thousand hours of playtime, my First Aid skill is 375.
Hell, if Grandpa Jaribald could’ve made Heavy Netherweave Bandages, our Patriots would’ve kicked British ass by like 1779 and then we wouldn’t have had to put up with the Beatles or Oasis LOLLL.
Srsly, Nickelback r00lz.
Ok, so what’s all this have to do with stupid Lionel Herkimer? His ancestor, General Herkimer, took a bullet in the leg at the Battle of Oriskany [at least it wasn’t a Shadowbolt LOL]. There’s even a famous painting of Herkimer commanding his forces under the duress of injury:
And here, friends and supporters of the Alliance, is where my historical blood libel with Lionel’s stupid Herkimers begins. General Herkimer wasn’t pointing at the militia, he was pointing at Dr. Grandpa Gunderson and yelling, “GET THAT PEON GUNDERSON - MY LEG IS FUCKED” lol
Grandpa Jaribald’s first aid skill sure as Herk [LOL] didn’t come from Theramore’s Triage Quest. He was probably like 125 or something [the Revolution was before the Burning Crusades expansion pack], and you can only wrap wool and cure simple spider poisons at that level. But Herkimer was bitten by a bullet, not a Bane Spider. Grandpa Jaribald didn’t know what to do and General Herkimer died.
That’s how it all started. The Herkimers blamed the Gundersons for Nick’s untimely demise and there’s been tension ever since. Us “Gundoz” have tried to combat it, but the “Herkz” are just hardier than we are. Just compare Lionel’s beard to my nubile, delicate face. You just can’t wrestle with shit like that because you’ll get chaffed.
So now, Lionel, we’re going to settle this in the Nagrand Arena. Download and install the trial, n00b. A Mohawk bullet started it, and my warlock’s Seed of Corruption is going to finish it.
The harassment from the Herkimers was why GundoMomz had to move me in the womb from New York to Gary, Indiana [she told me it was cuz my real dad was a sex offender but I don’t buy that shit at all LOL]. Well, guess what, Lionel?
I’m tired of this shit! Meet me on Malfurion at the Gates of Ironforge and be prepared for a fight to the death. HIGH NOON. [I’m in Gary, Indiana so that’s high noon Central not Eastern LOL].
The tables have turned, the balance of power has shifted. The Gundersons have God on their side now [and I just put a Runed Living Ruby in my Season 3 Helm so you’re gonne get PWNED fgt].
I’ve already notified The Alliance of this most-necessary sabbatical to restore my family honor:
FlyinHaiAgin: hey fagz i need 2 promote sum1 2 lead so i can kick this douchebagz ass LOL
Spurmwayle: me
FartOnU: me
LeetPwnage: fuck u gtfo
The three G’s - God, Gunderson and Gnomes - will end this dispute once and for all. Buff up with Power Word: Fortitude and the Blessing of Kings, Lionel Herkimer. You’re about to get sent to the Spirit Healer.
Gunderson OUT.
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Moms Are For Real Life Only
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - These Kids Have No Game
I remember the night I saw that future car with the canary wings. I also remember earlier that morning when I ate those mushrooms.
Tree heaven is the bottom of a waterfall. After hundreds of years being deeply rooted in the Earth, there’s no greater death than tumbling off a cliff and landing at the bottom of one. Sure, you’re a dead tree, but, man…waterfall!
There are some hobbies I’m glad I never picked up. Like reading. I don’t know how people find time to read in-between sleep and napping.
Sometimes a personal triumph is a tragedy in disguise. Recently, I was so proud of myself for buying fruit for the first time until I realized how sad it was that I’d never bought fruit before.
It’s almost worth the disgusting smell that results from working in a kitchen for that amazing clean feeling after taking a shower. I imagine it’s like cleaning your vagina after having a baby. Okay, I don’t know why I immediately thought of that.
Girl math. Skirt plus bike equals yay!
A smoke break during work is the perfect time to contemplate important things about one’s self. Like, when does a job become a career, will I ever find true love and why have I never seen a retarded black person?
I can’t wait to get hit by a bus and become a paraplegic so each day becomes videogames and pudding time.
Ultimately, I’m paranoid of getting hit by a bus but not because I’m afraid of dying. I’m scared of surviving, having to go to the hospital, pay medical bills, and god forbid lose a limb or something. Death is scary…but inconvenience is terrifying.
Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.
Thing is, it just gets so hectic around here at the Sears Customer Service desk, I rarely have a free minute to collect my thoughts.
Whenever there’s an opportunity for a little Lionel-time, some troglodyte comes to me with the most asinine set of complaints. Do they have any idea how miniscule their grievances sound when compared to the political strife of the Turkish ultra-nationalists?
I can only listen to these clods for so long before tuning them out and planning my blog response to Mustafa Akyol’s latest opinion piece about the shadowy Ergenekon group!
But I digress…
I live in a very modest apartment with my pet ferret, Mindaugus - named, of course, after the former King of Lithuania who united the lands in 1236.
The best thing about my apartment has got to be my new Hot Plate. It was left outside by an old (re: dead) neighbor of mine and doesn’t get hot enough to cook my hamburger helper in time for Murder She Wrote…but patience, as they say, is a virtue.
My landlord, Mr. Arpejito, says that if I turned off my “goddamn computer” every once in a “coon’s age,” my Hot Plate wouldn’t take “three trips around the dang moon” to heat up. I keep telling him I need to have my computer on to continue my extensive research into the City of Boerne v. Flores Supreme Court ruling of 1997.
Goddammit…Here comes another 45 year old lady wearing a Mickey Mouse sweater…
Until next week, my faithful readers.
Desk Clerk Diaries - Why Can’t You People Just Be Happy
Summer blockbusters are upon us and I’m happier than a gay flower in a cotton candy bowl of rainbows.
The Dark Knight
Dingle Donk (Jack Black) is a mild mannered mailman from modern day Minnesota until he’s accidentally sent back to medieval times as a court jester! My favorite line is when Dingle Donk spills a goblet of wine on the Dark Knight and says, “It looks good on your chainmail…really brings out the color of your helmet!” Also, the five minute fart scene is classic.
Thumb Score = A
Wall-E
Steve Guttenberg somehow managed to produce this direct-to-video third installment in the Short Circuit series and I wish he hadn’t. Johnny 5 looks like crap in CG and why is it a musical? Editor’s Note: Bette Midler’s knockers still look good.
Thumb Score = B-
Hancock
Oliver Stone takes a pointed look at the man behind the notoriously large signature. John Goodman’s portrayal of John Hancock is the most powerful John performance since John Hurt played John Graham in Rob Roy.
Thumb Score = John
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
It took twelve years, four hundred million dollars and a dozen lives but Mel Gibson finally finished his opus. The gold is real, the army is Jesus and Tim Curry is Hell.
Thumb Score = A+
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Part Willy Wonka, part Indiana Jones, all Debbie Does Dallas. A routine archaeological dig for ancient chocolate turns into an orgy of Caligula proportions. Who greenlit this? Might as well make a film combining Battlefield Earth, Deepthroat and Blue’s Clues. Actually…
Thumb Score = F
Mamma Mia
That’s a spicy meatball! Seriously, it’s a documentary on shaping spiced ground beef into balls and Morgan Spurlock somehow manages to make it really exciting. 325º of awesome!
Thumb Score = B+
***Classic Uninformed Review***
The Godfather
Spike Lee captured the hearts and minds of millions when he released this racially-charged, seminal film in 1978. Clint Eastwood’s blackface character caused quite a stir and he has since completely distanced himself from the role, going so far as to digitally replace himself with Marlon Brando in a recently released “special edition.”
Thumb Score = A++
Jul
19
Maybe This Only Amuses Me - The League of Gentlemen Clip
Filed Under Maybe This Only Amuses Me
Lately, I have been immersed in the absolutely brilliant British comedy The League of Gentlemen. Part Simpsons, part sketch comedy and entirely subversive, black and bizarre - this show is mandatory viewing for comedy weirdos.
This skit stars Papa Lazarou, an insane circus ringleader who steals women and forces them into his twisted harem. I can understand if this concept isn’t for everyone but it’s like catnip laced with crack for us weirdos.
The Internet is full of crap claiming to be comedy.
I am your filter.
Here are the comedy news sources that you need.
Dead Frog: Comedy News
A Special Thing: Alternative Comedy Forum
Here are some humor blogs that actually contain comedy.
Vonneguts Asshole: Offensive in a good way.
Dead Rooster: Well-written and smart.
WTFis Up With Bvllets: Some good jokes.
The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Character-based blog
Dotson Salutes: Chris Dotson’s Blog
Jul
16
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Moms Are For Real Life Only
Filed Under Diary Of World Of Warcraft
I bet you’ve all wondered where I’ve been. Wanna know? Worst summer vacation ever.
Srsly.
Those of you concerned chiefly with my studies and professional well-being will be relieved - I pwned the 10th grade. GENERAL GUNDERSON IS A JUNIOR, BABY! lol.
So there I am, seated on top of the epic flying mount of life, Honor Roll scroll in hand [and the Pizza Hut Scholars coupon I won LOL], ready to cruise into a 3-month tour of duty serving the Alliance.
As gaggles of gnomes wait patiently for my leadership to begin, as hoardes of orcs soil their loincloths, fearing the Wrath of Gunderson, I march triumphantly through the gates of Ironforge.
Amid the cheers of humans, dwarves, night elves and gnomes alike, I hear a matron’s piercing squeal.
“GERRY! I want to play The Warcraft, too.”
Yes, even legendary Generals have mothers.
And how am I to say no to Mother Gunderson, whose VISA card bankrolls our army?
I wasn’t about to share my Alienware war machine, so we, like Sadat and Begin at Camp David, reached a historically-singular compromise. Mother Gunderson would make her own account on my stupid stepdad’s pr0n box.
And thus the human priestess “GundoMomz” was born. I hadn’t quested in Goldshire and Elwynn since I was a n00b like her, but I helped her out anyway. When she hit level 10, she was on her own and at the mercy of Westfall’s Defias Brotherhood.
Boy, was that a mistake.
Everyone on my realm knows The Gunderson. That’s why all the haters to whom I’ve delivered pwnage in the Nagrand Arena told her I was a fag.
biQQrious: yo gundomomz ur kid sux d00dz lol
GundoMomz: What?
biQQrious: u heard me bitch lol
So, I’m in Alterac Valley trudging toward the Frostwolf towers when my mom knocks on the door and asks, “Gerry, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
Well, it was almost as if I was a warrior casting Bloodrage. I lost it. My mom stormed out when I yelled at her and I AFK’d the battleground to go into trade chat.
FlyinHaiAgin: who the FUCK is telling my mom that im a fukkin fag i’ll fukkin KILL U
biQQrious: shut up fgt
FlyinHaiAgin: biQQrious where do u live
biQQrious: maryland why
FlyinHaiAgin: ok i need 2 kno where 2 drive so i can rape ur gf and burn down her house
Unfortunately, GundoMomz was sitting in Stormwind. She saw it all. Guess who got grounded for 2 months? The General, that’s who, and it doesn’t even matter that he got provoked into defending his good name. And Blizzard, in a shocking move that showed an utter lack of concern for the Alliance’s well-being, banned me for 30 days.
Ok, you say, Gerald has been gone for like three months, which is more than 30 days. What gives?
She sent me to Bible Camp. SHE SENT ME TO FUCKING BIBLE CAMP. For a month. She said it would cleanse me of my urges and maybe help me lose weight.
But the joke’s on GundoMomz. I left for camp with a suspension from my troops and a mom who thinks I fap to Orlando Bloom and I came back with two loves: my hawt new internet gf and My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Yeah, my gf plays WoW, too. She’s a sexy night elf druid and we have a Christians-only guild together called {Jesus is my Epic Trinket} Praise Jesus and Pwn the Horde!!11
And what about GundoMomz? She’s Level 28 now and sews tailoring shit in Stormwind all day. Someone should log on and tell her to do some goddamn sewing IRL… like fixing the Wranglers I ripped today playing DDR.
Here it is mid-July and my dream summer of leading the Shattered Sun Offensive is pretty much gone thanks to my FUCKING MOM. My ban finally gets lifted in two hours so I’ll be back with another article soon.
In the meantime, I’m going to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy.
Peace!
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - Respect your General
Diary Of A World Of Warcraft Player - These Kids Have No Game
Surprising Sunset by KH, Schnaeppchen & BC
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